The Company of Myself


Today’s post is a little-moderately-personal. Before I hopped in the shower today and took out something for dinner, I decided to watch about 45 minutes of “Eat Pray Love”. As I watched Julia Roberts secretly covet the intimate, romantic relationships of those around her in Italy, I began to think about my own failed relationship and how he and I have both been dealing with the situation respectively.

My ex and I have been together off and on for about two years until I finally lowered the axe a little over a month ago. There are several reasons why I decided to end things, most too personal and private to display here. However, I will say we were both becoming people I couldn’t deal with. He had pushed me to a point where I just couldn’t forgive anymore, couldn’t explain anymore, and couldn’t cope anymore. Enough was finally enough.

My timing for the breakup was terrible, and because of that I could understand his anger and pain. The rest of the anger and pain was hard to follow. According to him when we talked about it, he no longer had the motivation to go to college or move out of his mom’s house. I had caused him to harm himself, I had led him on to believe that I loved him when I really didn’t. According to him I wasn’t strong enough to be in a relationship. Of course, I had all types of problems with these statements and I tried to explain my position several times. I made it through every fight, every issue, every insecurity, every bad time we had, but suddenly I wasn’t strong enough because I felt enough was enough? I still loved him despite our issues and still wanted to make  things work. His motivation to move out and go to school should have been because he wanted to better himself and strike out on his own, not me. And of course, I didn’t force him to hurt himself. I would never, ever want that.

After about a week or so we finally found some common ground. I thought that things would be okay. Until Facebook got in the way. All of a sudden, I was public enemy number one among his guy friends, people who I’ve never met and didn’t know anything about me. According to my ex, our relationship was “bullsh*t” and someone with the best of intentions, sent me some private, yet inaccurate information. I jumped to conclusions, but I wasn’t off mark completely. Apparently according to a female who I thought was friends with both of us and who has ALWAYS wanted to be with him since I can remember,  called me a ho because he let her assume that I had “boys on the side” during our relationship.After talking things out and and a week of complications in his life, we’ve decided to try being friends.  Of course I haven’t really talked to him since then.

But back to Julia coveting the happy relationships of the couples around her. Her character in the beginning appeared to me as a woman who always needed or had a man in her life. Being with someone and being unhappy because she is afraid of leaving that someone and being alone and unhappy.

Although my ex and I were supposed to move in and start a life together about 4 months from now, I’m perfectly happy with the way things are this point. I’m glad, friends or not, he’s at a safe distance from me. (I’ve even insured this safety by blocking him on Facebook so I’m not tempted to peek and see what’s going on in his life. His number has long been gone from my contact list in my phone.) Despite my love for him, I wasn’t happy. Sure, I may not have anyone to cuddle with but being alone hasn’t ever really bothered me. I think it bothers most people because they don’t really know how to deal with and enjoy the company of themselves.

After being with my ex, I keep having to remind myself I’m young. I keep having to remind myself that I have 8 months and 4 days before I can go to a bar and the casino. I have my whole life to fall in love again and find someone to marry. I’m too young for a husband, I’m too young for a family. When the right guy comes along I’ll know. And if he and I are meant to be together forever, we will. But for now I’m happy flirting, learning, growing.

Tomorrow isn’t promised, it never was. I may have walked away from the greatest romance of  my life, or I may have walked away to bump into someone better for me. Despite the uncertainty of the future, I’m happy with taking a chance with fate.

4 thoughts on “The Company of Myself

  1. Well done. It takes courage to write openly and honestly. I can assure you that trusting yourself enough to recognize what is NOT good for you will be what allows you to recognize those who are.

    Cheers! MJ

  2. There were parts that i agreed with in this post, but when i saw:

    “I think it bothers most people because they don’t really know how to deal with and enjoy the company of themselves.

    I’ll be honest, I fought the urge to stand up and applaud. It’s so refreshing to hear a young woman happy in the company of herself. It’s sad to see people realize they blew their youth in relationships they shouldn’t be in just to avoid being alone. How can you truly enjoy someone elses company if you don’t know how to enjoy your own?

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