A Moment of Insecurity


Hello readers! Hope you all had a great weekend! Mine was interesting to say the least. I decided to start the week off with a personal entry. There’s a couple reasons for this. For one, I haven’t really done a personal entry for awhile. And from time to time I like to show you, the reader, that I’m more than a person offering social commentary and advice. I’m a real person who lives the same lives that many of you do. I feel the more you know about me, the more you’ll trust what I have to say. Anyway,I now return you to your regularly scheduled post! Enjoy!

Because I’m such an oddball, I didn’t go through that painful identity crisis when I was when in high school. I went through it in middle school.  It was a weird transition for me. Before middle school, I used to hang out with all the “pretty”, popular girls. As 7th and 8th grade progressed I started to drift apart from them and make friends that weren’t popular girl approved. They had treated me so badly at that point that I didn’t care anymore. I did what I wanted to do, but that doesn’t mean that it was easy for me.  

Even the most beautiful butterfly can feel ugly

Like all girls that age, I wanted to belong. I wanted to gossip and sleep over and tell secrets to the girls I used to trust and admire. I wanted to have all boys want to be my boyfriend. I wanted to get my first kiss (didn’t happen until 9th grade). I wanted to hold hands. I didn’t want to be thought of as “one of the guys”, but one of the girls.

That’s neither here or there. Middle school sucked, but  got through it. I found out that being one of the guys is more rewarding for me than being one of the girls. I’m  pretty, smart, fun, and accepting. I’m, kind, compassionate and calming. I’m glad I found it out that young and had the clarity to see that I’m a great person regardless of what outsiders say about me.

But even people who know that they are great people can feel shitty about themselves from time to time. Right now, I’m feeling pretty shitty about my looks. Here’s how it started.

Summer is a terrible time for my skin, especially my face. I break out from all the excess oil and heat no matter how many times I avoid the outdoors or wash my face. The rest of my body gets eaten by mosquitoes and other pests that think I’m a sweet treat on a hot summer day. On top of that I’m not exactly eating how I would like to (it happens when you don’t have your place anymore) and don’t have the time to exercise like I used to since I started working. Needless to say, I feel less than pretty.

Although I broke up with my ex in February, dating has been…weird for me. Old boyfriends wanted to get together, but I never really followed through. Most my newer prospects are down in Florida and it can be hard to maintain a good connection from that far away. Hell, I don’t even know if I’ll be returning right away. I met a nice boy in Jersey, but it seemed best to just stay friends. And of course, the ex boyfriend and some of his parting words creep up on me from time to time.

The frosting on the shit cake (excuse my language) has been some dumb broad who doesn’t know me or anything about me, saying stupid childish things about me. 

Now I know these things are all small and significant, but like I said, even people who know that they are great feel shitty from time to time. We all go through our moments of insecurities. We feel ugly, ashamed. Stupid and untalented. Worthless and useless. But in the end we have to remember that we’re not. We’re beautiful and should be proud. Smart and talented. Useful, needed and wanted. In order to remedy these feelings, I’m just going to stay positive and keep all that in mind. 

Thanks for reading! 

 

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