Howdy readers! If you read the update post (the one that says Updates! under previous posts) then you know that today’s post is a personal one. Kick back, relax, and enjoy my rantings!
One of the hardest and longest lessons we must learn in life is when to let go. It’s human nature to want to control everything, to hold onto whatever we have and feel because it’s ours. But life doesn’t work that way. You can’t hold onto someone or something or your emotions just because you feel they are yours. Sometimes you gotta let go. And trust me, I know it’s easier said than done.
Here’s my story for the week and how this wonderful lesson has shown its ugly head again.
On August 23, I’ll have to face the one year anniversary of the most horrific event in my entire life. It’s changed me forever, and as the day slowly approaches, the dread in my stomach and heart rapidly increase. I feel sad. Angry. Self conscious. Violated. Awkward. Scared. Sick. Alone. And I have EVERY right to feel these feelings after the hell I’ve been through. BUT I know I have to let these feelings go. I can’t continue to bottle them and then suddenly burst into tears or become moody. That’s not good for me or anyone around me. I just have to let it go as it comes. I have to cry or even scream when I need to. I have to yell and fight and curse. I have to let it out.
But at the same time I also have to accept what happened to me. I have to remember it all, every detail, every pain. I have to acknowledge it for what it is and then finally….let it go. It’s a lot easier said than done. I’m entitled to my anger and pain, but at what cost? These are damaging emotions, emotions that one cannot afford to keep. Yet I hold onto them as if they were something to cherish and love when there is no love within anger and nothing to cherish within pain.
And it’s not just my long walk through this hell, this nightmare that I can’t seem to wake up from. Although my ex and I broke up in February, I still have had a hard time letting go of him. Maybe it’s because of guilt. Maybe it’s because of love. Maybe it’s because he walked through the fire with me throughout that hell I was experiencing. But he crossed the line several times. And after his most recent crossing of it, I think it’s a good thing we’ve decided to part ways for good.
What he said to me the last time we spoke was true. He didn’t have to stay with me. He had every right to leave and I gave him the option to several times. But he stayed. And that was his choice. A choice he made that shouldn’t be thrown in my face especially when I DIDN’T WANT or ASK to be violated in the worst way. And despite the guilt and regret and fear, I have to let go of him and our past to have a brighter future.
Sometimes I do worry I made a mistake. I wonder who else would want me. Would he understand if I were to tell him? What if I started to act strange or emotional? Would he understand? Would he still care about me if I were to tell him my secret or would he turn away from me? I guess I’ll never know until I let go of these fears.
And then of course there are the things I’ve already let go of that OTHERS can’t seem to let go of. My ex best friend is a prime example. She won’t let go of what “destroyed” our friendship. I’ve let it go for a while now. Shit happens. Feelings get hurt. People date each other’s exes. I shouldn’t have to ask permission if you’ve been broken up for a year AND you’re with someone else. I shouldn’t be crucified for the whole thing a year or two after the fact, and I shouldn’t still be hearing about you constantly bad mouthing me from other people when I was YOUR rock.
I guess the point I’m trying to make here readers, is that you need to let go sometimes, especially when it’s negative. You have stop trying to control the things you don’t have any control over. You have let go of negative emotions and people who are bringing you to negative places. You’re entitled to your feelings, you’re entitled to love, you’re entitled to what you own, but remember your also entitled to happiness too. In most cases, the best way to get there is to just let it all go.