Hello readers. This post is a personal one so if you’re not interested, come back Tuesday. If you are, continue reading. Thanks!
Thanks to a series of events in the past year or so, it’s very hard for me to trust a soul. Betrayals, denials, and outright fuckery, have caused me to lose most (if not all) faith in humanity. So when someone approaches me with the hopes of instant trust, I can’t help but feel…
suspicious? Scared? Baffled? I don’t know. Perhaps a mixture of all the above.
It all started last month when my dad took my mom to court. A few weeks before we were actually set to go to court, one of his daughters (I feel weird saying sister) sends me a friend request on Facebook. I sent her a message asking if we knew each other (I know we didn’t and after doing a little Facebook creeping knew who she was) and didn’t receive a message back until today. I won’t post it on here (I probably share too much as it is), but the message made me feel….well I’m working on that.
Although my soon to be boyfriend said the message sounded like a sincere attempt to reach out, I’m not entirely sure it is. I don’t know my dad’s daughter and this is in no way, shape, or form meant to disrespect or hurt her, but it all comes as a shock. Maybe it’s the ice in my veins, but I feel very….cold. Almost cavalier about it all. I’ve been alive for almost 21 years now and she knew about me when I was five or six. A few years later she wanted to meet me but never did.
I’ve lived at the same house for a little over 18 years. It’s not like I was hiding in the mountains or traveling the world. It wasn’t hard to find me or anything. But she didn’t. None of his kids did. And now that I’m grown and….weathered….hell, maybe even jaded, it’s time to form a connection? Some things come too little too late.
The flip side of this is I could be being stubborn or jaded. Everyone deserves a fair chance right? Even if it is 20 years too late.
But I guess that’s not entirely fair. I could have reached out too. The thing of it is,I never knew about them. Ever. My dad never brought me to meet his other children. He never brought them to meet me. He never told me about them. At all. I didn’t even know he had a wife until September of this year!
Talk about being a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed shit.
I guess that’s not fair either. None of it really is.