Drag Queens and Celluloid Dreams

Personal post today guys! Enjoy.

The last few days I’ve been in the process of recovering from an emotional hangover. For all of you lucky people who have never had the pleasure of experiencing one, an emotional hangover is when you feel completely drained and awful about some kind of emotional turmoil that happened the night or day before.

I will openly admit that both incidents that occurred were my own doing.

I don’t want to demonize anyone so I won’t go into details, but l I will say that someone reached out to me, I reached back, and things ended on a really sour note. End of round one. Round two would have occurred later that night (well early morning) if I hadn’t fallen asleep. I asked to see something (part of what we were talking about before the conversation took a turn for the worse) and it was full of triggers. Before it could turn into a full blown argument, I cut my losses and decided it was just best to agree to disagree. We both had lost.

It’s all a matter of learning how to pick and choose my battles again. Before…it…happened, I was always pretty good about knowing when to fight and when to walk away. When it happened, those lines got blurry. Even though I told my attacker no, he still took what he wanted.  If I fought, I might not be here talking to you guys. Sometimes it’s easier to just…take it. However, you can’t let people walk all over you. You have to stand up and fight. Now days I have a hard time distinguishing between the two.

My flight vs fight instincts are haywire. I fight when I should fly. I fly when I should fight.

Anyway, to help cure myself of my emotional hangover, I watched Ru Paul’s Drag Race. It’s one of my favorite shows ever and it always cheers me up.

The reason I bought it up though is that on last night’s episode I felt Alaska’s pain. You walk around giving it your all and somehow it just doesn’t seem enough. The people you love and admire feel like your holding something back or compare you to someone else. I’m pretty sure Alaska isn’t holding back (which is sad because I don’t want her to go home!!!) but I in some cases, I am. But no one wants to see what I’m holding back. I don’t even want to see it.

Until later guys.

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