This weather is…harsh. So I’ve been camped inside most of the day publisher shopping, synopsis writing, and doing other things that need to be done involving Madness. There will be probably be an update on all that tomorrow because I don’t really want to talk about that now.
What I wanted to talk about was this…sinking feeling.
Last night was…rough. I was a little down in the dumps. But I went to sleep hopeful and somewhat content. I struggled at first, but I fell asleep relatively early.
My dreams were normal for the most part. Until I had a terrible one. I was sitting in the living room with a friend and we were talking. She suddenly had a feeling we should leave. I agreed. I went to turn off the TV and everything and just as I was about to step out the house (I was in the process of locking the door) an AIRPLANE fell on top of me. I woke up SCREAMING AND SWINGING. My mom heard all the commotion and helped me calm down.
I wanted to text someone. I wanted to tell him about it. I wanted to tell them that I needed him and how much I wished he was there. But I fought the urge and grabbed my bear and forced myself back to sleep.
Then another nightmare. This one I can vaguely remember, but it involved child slavery and sexual assault. I didn’t wake up screaming because I wasn’t hurt (I woke up just before) but I was ready to just get up and get one with today. But again, I forced myself back to sleep.
Then there was the repeat offender nightmare. The one I was looking to have because I was triggered. Sometimes it changes. Sometimes it’s just HIM and other times it’s my ex or someone else along with him. Last night I think it was just HIM. I think my ex was in the background watching.
This time I stayed awake for awhile and then went back to sleep. No more dreams. I don’t think I could have taken it.
So now here I am surrounded by dark storm clouds (winter storm is here), jumping at every bang and howl of the wind and doing my best to ignore this gigantic sinking feeling in my chest and in the pit of my stomach.