Day 20: A Difficult Time

I’m going to write about two difficult times in this post because I feel like they’re both equally important. Because of the nature of the second half of this post, there’s a trigger warning. 

Part I: You’ll NEVER Be Like Her

It was my sophomore year of high school. Before lunch, I always stopped at my locker and talked to my boyfriend. As I was walking towards it and reaching out to unlock it, one of the popular girls cut me off while dragging her boyfriend behind her. I rolled my eyes and said excuse you. She rolled her eyes back and said “you’re excused.” I didn’t want to make an issue out of it, but she was being rude so I just said “whatever skank” and turned back to my boyfriend until he had to leave for class.

I didn’t think anything of it for the rest of the day. After all, it wasn’t really a big deal.

When it was time for gym one my friends asked what happened between us.I told her what happened and my friend told me the other girl had been talking about me nonstop since it happened and exaggerating things. I was shocked.

Things began to escalate from there. She started writing me nasty notes,having her boyfriend or other people deliver them to me. She even told my boyfriend to tell me to “shut up before she shut me up.” I told my favorite teacher at the time and showed him some of the notes. I didn’t want him to tell the principal or anything, hoping it would all blow over.

It didn’t.

Me from high school
Me from high school

My mom saw a few of the notes and told the female vice principal. Somehow she blamed me for what happened and I left the office devastated and crying. Calling that girl a “skank” hardly warranted the stream of harassment I was getting.

Anyway, the letters didn’t stop. One day I got a really nasty and hurtful one. She called me fat and told me my boobs were saggy. I was a loser and that I should go slit my wrists and do everyone a favor. I was really rattled and showed my favorite teacher during lunch. He marched me right down to the principal’s office and showed them the note. I got to go back to class while they “investigated”, but they called me back down to the office during his class.

Once again, I was blamed for the incident. Another letter had surfaced, apparently from me but it wasn’t my handwriting, calling the other girl loose and stupid. Although  I secretly agreed with the note, I hadn’t written it. Apparently calling someone a skank and a letter not written by me was worse than being told to go kill myself and weeks of harassment and bullying.

All her friends and her boyfriend got to vouch for her. The only person they talked to get my side was my boyfriend.

Anyway, the female vice principal determined that if I never called her a skank none of this would have happened. She had better things to do than deal with childish girl drama. She claimed that I just disliked the other girl because she was “the princess bubbly type.” That I hated her because she was pretty and popular and I wasn’t. That I was jealous because I would never be like her.

Neither of us got suspended or detention, but we had to do peer mediation. It didn’t resolve anything and from that moment on I felt subconscious wounded not good enough  like an outsider. It was true. I wasn’t popular or the bubbly princess type. But I didn’t want to be. I liked myself for who and what I was and the people who were my friends did too. But it sucked to hear an adult basically call you ugly and unworthy of anything.

After that I always felt unsure of myself.

Part II: Stranger Danger ***TRIGGER WARNING***

In August, it will be the 3 year anniversary of me being raped. The first year it happened was the hardest. It happened my sophomore year of college. Some strange guy attacked me while I was on my way to classes the first day of school.

The first week or so I was fine, but as time marched on I could barely stand it. After a few months of crawling out of my skin, I came home for a few weeks to get myself together. When it was time to go back to school, I didn’t want to go. I hated being there. I hated taking the bus. Some days I could barely drag myself out of bed to get to class.  I had trouble sleeping and flashbacks all the time. A lot my friends had stopped hanging out with me because I wasn’t fun anymore.

After that semester ended, I didn’t go back to school.

2 thoughts on “Day 20: A Difficult Time

  1. You’ve got a lot of challenging situations to get through. I wish you the best.

    I always try to think about what can be learned from challenging situations, especially when it’s difficult to change them. (That’s because my philosophy of life is that we are given challenges to help us grow.) I find some teachings in Buddhism to be helpful with this sort of thing. I guess it’s about not letting things harm you when you have no control over them. They say what they say, and in your own soul you let it be because they and their opinions don’t really matter. Your sense of self and self-esteem comes from knowing who you are.

    I know, easier said than done.

    1. It’s taking some time, but I’m finally starting to understand that. At the end of the day all that really matters is what I think. It’s a lot easier to say it than do it, but I’m learning. I’m in a much better place now than I was years ago

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