In part one, I gave some general tips on how to deal with rude relatives during the holidays. This post is going to expand on one of the tips which was to counter with a snarky comment. Here are some common areas people like to strike at (especially if they know these areas aren’t going well in your life).
Just as a fair warning, shit may go down when being snarky/ a smartass so be prepared. Be sure that the person is REALLY being rude/mean before going in for the kill. You wouldn’t want to burn any bridges with someone who is genuinely interested. If you don’t like confrontation, it’s probably not a good idea to counter with a snarky comment. With that out the way, let’s dive into it.
- Why aren’t you married yet: The same reason this relative isn’t divorced or married yet. Because you’re happy with your current situation. Or it hasn’t been legalized yet. Either way, marriage isn’t the equivalent to happiness. Hence why half end up in divorce.
- When are you going to settle down: Whenever your ready and not a second before. Again, you don’t need to be with someone to be happy with your life. People in relationships and marriages can be miserable. Why be with someone who makes you crazy and miserable when you can be alone and happy (or miserable, your choice).
- Aren’t you afraid of your eggs drying up: They’re inside your body, so they’re probably well lubricated. That’s also not really how it works either.
- Whatever happened to _________: You have a couple of options here. You can make up some really outlandish story, tell them that your ex is at his or her house, or that you don’t really know or care.
- Have you tried online dating: Telling people you’ve tried online dating can be weird, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Still, it isn’t anyone’s business so you can respond as such. As an alternative you can say “yes/no, and/but I’ve tried fight clubs, hanging out at sporting events, malls, and seedy bars and begging strangers to go out with me.”
- What do you see in *insert the name of person you’re seeing*: If you’re going for shock value you can say they’re good in bed. Or you can just say how awesome your partner is at something you to are passionate about and have fun doing. For example, you can say they’re a good cook or always deliver an ass whooping in Call of Duty.
- You’re too good for him/her: He or she deserved an upgrade.
- She/He’s too good for you: YOU deserved an upgrade.
- When are you going back to school: Would you care to help pay for my tuition? Nah, okay then shut up.
- _________ don’t make a lot of money, do they?: Having money is important, but so is doing something you love. Money can’t buy true friends or good manners and tact.
- __________ is a _________. Maybe you should look into doing that.: Maybe you should since you find it so awesome.
- You’ve gained weight: The body is a temple. Nothing wrong with building a couple extra rooms to support the parishioners.
- You’re too skinny: As long as you don’t disappear when you turn sideways or fall through cracks in the floor, you’re good.
- Maybe you should gain/lose weight. Men/women would find you much more attractive: The right person will think you’re attractive no matter how you look. You can say you did a poll and 9 out of 10 men/women were blinded by your beauty. The one didn’t go blind because they were wearing sunglasses.
- Anything about your clothes: If someone asks why you dress a certain way you can always tell them it isn’t socially acceptable to walk around naked in most places.
- Anything about your hair: Long hair, short hair, shaved head, multi colored hair. Everyone’s a critic. If anyone says anything negative about it, tell them that fortunately they don’t have to wear it.
There you have it folks. Just keep in mind saying these things can get you into trouble. If you don’t want to deal with trouble, then simply follow the other tips in part one.
What snarky shit do you say to shut strangers or relatives down when they’re being judgmental and rude? Let me know in the comments!